I Know What You're Going Through...
I stopped taking the medication on December 31, 2005, and haven't experienced an overwhelming urge to drink since then. Of course, there are moments when I think it would be nice to have a beer or a stiff bourbon and Coke, but these are just fleeting thoughts. When such thoughts arise, I remember the damage alcohol caused and how it would quickly regain control if I let it. Instead, I opt for a can of sparkling water, which is always available in our refrigerator. Drinking or the lack thereof no longer defines my life. Since we remarried, we have consistently had beer, wine, and liquor in our home, but none of it tempts me. Occasionally, my wife enjoys a glass of wine or a margarita, and I'm glad she can do so without any issues, as she doesn't have an alcohol problem.
The threat of losing your marriage, losing your job, even getting locked up - you name the threat – it won't be enough to do it.
You have to quit...for you.
I am incredibly proud to have earned my family's trust. They know that I don't live my life one day at a time, and not drinking has become a non-issue. I am genuinely happy without alcohol, and my wife is as confident in this as I am.
Will I remain alcohol-free for the rest of my life? I can't make any promises. My biggest fear is that I might accidentally pick up a drink or unknowingly consume alcohol in food, like rum cake. Would that trigger something? I don't know; it's not something I give much thought to- ever. I honestly don't think about drinking on an hour to hour or even an occasional basis anymore.
Having gone from it being the first thing I'd think about in the morning (do I have enough left in the bottle to get me through the day?) to the last thing at night (don't leave the half-empty glass out where one of the kids might accidentally pick it up and drink from it); not thinking about it at all...is total freedom. And, truly a miracle.
Please read that again, because the same can be true for you: Not thinking about alcohol, at all, is total freedom...and truly a miracle.
I know what you're going through
I can honestly say that I have walked in your shoes. I understand what you're going through and the thoughts running through your head. Let's discuss a few of them...
Fear
Like the dread in the pit of your stomach when you realize you're running low on alcohol and it's not even noon yet. Or what the liquor store clerk is thinking when you show up, yet again, to buy another bottle this week. Or the anxiety about whether today is the day you'll be pulled over or get into an accident. Who will you call from jail? Your spouse? Your Dad?
Regret
There's also the constant guilt you carry, and the feeling that your life would be so much better without this unrelenting problem. You're overwhelmed and hopeless, unsure of where to turn. On top of that, your worrying consumes so much time that you struggle to remember important details. And let's face it - your friendships have changed as well.
Shame
And then there are those times when you drank too much; you and your spouse argued over it the following morning. You'd cry, promise to do better; both of you would be upset for a while; then things would more or less return to normal. But, both of you know that eventually it's going to happen again.
Trepidation
Day after day, you keep telling yourself that you'll address the problem tomorrow, but deep down, you know one more day won't make a difference. Tomorrow is never going to come…
Determination
Here's the thing, though - you can turn your life around. You can break the cycle and live a life free from addiction. I won't sugarcoat it. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. Likely, the hardest thing you'll ever do.
But, I promise you, in the end, it will be worth it.